The First Day...

My host, Shreeram had to pick his motorcycle up from somewhere so I arrived alone in the taxi. Two women and a lot of children were waiting for me at door step.

Sarita, Shreeram's wife, Rekha the caretaker of the children for the "My World" project, Ayush, Ayusha, Asa, Santi, Anjeli, Bipin, Bipika (the children of the house and neighbours) jumped all over me. They met me with love and hope. Some could speak a little English, older children more. They showed me my room, I settled. A wooden bed with a thin mattress, two old chairs, a broken table and a crooked book self was waiting for me in my room. I put my belongings in my room, washed my hands at the water pump. Toilet was outside, eastern style. When Shreeram arrived it was already time for dinner. Kids put an old mat on the floor of the courtyard, put 4 metal glasses in a perfect row full of water. The kitchen too is outside near the stable, they took their meals in turns and sat on the mat in front of the glasses. Plates are also metal, they are served rice (bhat), a kind of bean soup (dal) and stir fried potatoes with some vegetable in it. They mixed the bhat with the dal with their right hands and started eating. Then the grown ups were served with the same food. Only my plate was different, still metal with various compartments in each of them one of the food. Shreeram and I sat on the sofa on the porch, Rekha sat on the floor facing the fantastic view and Sarita sat on the floor near us with her plate. They all eat with their right hands but I was given a spoon. So I started eating after a few bites Sarita asked me "Bhat kani?" and then in English "more rice?" I said "No thank you." Shreeram told me that pugio is the word for saying I don't want anymore. This was the second Nepali word that I have learned. First was "Namaste" which is the greeting, meaning "I bless the god in you!" What a beautiful way to greet someone!...

When we were finished with our dinner first the children then the grown up poured some water into their plates and dumped it into a bucket near the water pump. So did I. That bucket later feeds the goats. Rekha washed the dishes at the water pump, we sat a little, then the children came running and jumping around yelling "line go!" so electricity was cut. They sat nearby and asked me questions when the line came back they gave me a book to read and as I read they fall asleep one by one. So I went to my room and set up my mosquito net. They showed me the fan switch and I lay on my hard bed, inside my mosquito net with a light smell of wet wood. All the world went through my mind. I had mailed everybody from Kathmandu telling everything was ok. For a brief clear moment I realized that I was in Nepal, hundreds of miles away from my home, family, friends, habits...

I doubted the fact that I was actually in Nepal and suspected that I was just dreaming or maybe even day dreaming. I fall asleep... Among the sounds of crickets, night birds, wind blowing and the sounds from roof on top of me...

14th may 2008

Kathmandu - Chitwan

In one of the most interesting cities in the world, on one of the back streets, we sat on a table in front of a secluded little restaurant. Julie, Dadoo, Shreeram Bhim and I. Then Shant came, the owner of the restaurant, showing the table near us he said lets join the two tables they are also nice people. No one was to object, why would we? There was a Canadian man on the table who stayed in India for 3 years and was a yoga instructor moved to Nepal recently. Another man from the USA who was married to a Nepali woman and had a baby. He was working on a project for educating the woman and children in prisons in Nepal. Everybody came from somewhere and a good reason to be there. They were drinking rom with water, I asked for a beer, there came a Tuborg beer, something I am familiar to...


The conversation kept going on until 10 pm when the police came and told us to close and go inside. So we went to a room in the back. A little more conversation, couple more cigarettes and drinks and it was time to go rest. So we walked on the dark, empty, quiet but still dirty streets. It seemed like 4 hours ago all the world was in Kathmandu and now at 11 pm they had all left. There were only the buffaloes and gods, and the incense smell mixed into the garbage smell...


At 6 am in the morning my room phone rang. It was Shreeram asking me if I could be ready inn 20 minutes, so we can go to the places we'll visit and go to Chitwan as early as possible. We met in the lobi since I was to tired to argue... At 4 am in the morning all the streets turned alive in Kathmandu, motorcycles, cars, people and all the world came back to Kathmandu right under my window and started their day. I sat on my bed wondering what I was doing here. What did I run from this far? Life itself? I had this same feeling when I was waiting in Delhi airport on very uncomfortable chairs in the too cold so called lounge. I could be in my own bed right now, sleeping. I didn't have to change anything. I could have just put aside everything I know, everything I heard and kept pretending everything was normal. I could have just pretended that my marriage was going great and living in İstanbul was making me happy. Was it absolutely necessary to face the truth and try to change everything? So I laughed at my self. Yes it was. If I could do it, if I could swallow it I would. I didn't like what happened and went to make new happenings. Change is good. And this the perfect place to be right now. If you are not happy where you are you can't be happy anywhere. Happiness was right here, waiting for me, waiting for me to be ready for it. So I took it and got ready. We jumped on taxi and went to Pashupathinath.


This is a Hindu Temple. One of the biggest in Nepal. There is a crematorium inside. Fortunately it was no body's turn to go when I was there. Non Hindus are not allowed inside. So we sat outside and watched. There were some rituals going on. I could on see what my 10 optic zoom let me. I took some photos. While sitting there a monkey came running, with a man behind him. The monkey had stolen a banana and the man was following him to get it back. It is not a wise move to get a banana from a monkey, the man realized this and let go. Where people hardly can buy bananas, this banana was the monkeys now. We went out and walked a little.


Then we took a taxis to Swayambhunath, they also call it the monkey temple. It is some how guarded by hundreds of monkeys around. It is a Buddhist temple on top of a hill. This temple also is in the World Heritage List since 2003 and it is considered to be loosing its authenticity and cultural value. The way we all wear down every single place and thing on the earth just to see it is somehow heartbreaking. Where people have been praying and having their religious rituals for centuries, now was almost a bazaar full of tourists taking pictures and little shops selling small goods. Still in the shadow of our cameras, beside the gold statues of gods, near the salesman tyring to sell you an om bowl there is still the energy that you can feel. You know that there were gods walking on these hills once upon a time...


We went back to the hotel then went to get something to eat. In the restaurant not knowing anything about the food I ordered rice and vegetables, please note this. We ate, went back to the hotel packed and take a taxi to the bus station. It took about 30 minutes to the bus station, among the rickshaws, motorickshaws, taxis, buses, cars, motorcycles, pedestrians, buffaloes, goats, crazy horns not stopping ever, we finally reached a micro bus. A very small bus with an 18 year old crazy and cool driver and a Nepali pop music in the background. My bags were tied to the top of the bus. After a crazy 6 hour journey, with toilet stops on the side of the road, with someone constantly hitting the bus whether telling him to stop or go, a 40 minute delay on the very narrow roads up and down hills, with a beautiful view on each side we finally made to Narayangarth in one piece. We took a taxi to the village. On the one hour drive to the house I kept wondering what kind of conditions I was going to be living in. Looking at the various houses on the side of the road and trying to guess which one was ours we stopped in front of an ordinary house. That house....

Face Nepal

A very dear friend of mine, a talented tattoo artist Kerem, was talking about the full sun eclipse which will be seen very good from Nepal in 2009, while he was working on my tattoo. I was thinking about working as a volunteer and going through every possible web site starting from Africa all the way to South America. So one day I put the words Nepal, Volunteer Work in google and after checking the first page I got to the second page. Somehow I always found what I was looking for in the second pages. A local organization called "Face Nepal" stroke me. The web page was very simple and modest. Prices were too. I filled out an application and emailed it. In a couple days there was an answer. I could decide the date I would go and the time I wanted to stay. This email came to me at a time of my life that, there was no way I wouldn't go. At a time I had to get away, put everything my husband, my house, my life, my concerns behind me for a while. I am glad I realized this. From the moment I told FaceNepal I was coming on 12th May I knew I was doing the right thing. I never doubted it. I am happy I didn't.

I got my ticket with my miles so I had to fly over Delhi where I had a 9 hour lay over. It would be a much better choice to fly over Qatar or Dubail but well it was my first time.

At New Delhi airport, about 4 hours after I was already feeling sick I finally got on the AirIndia flight to Kathmandu. The moment I got on the plane my nostrils were filled with a smell of garlic, turmeric and cori which for a second made me want to give up all the smelling ability I had for the rest of my life. But right after the plane took off watching India from the air made me forget it all. I still didn't feel like eating but the stewardess was concerned so insisted I ate something, well I asked for rice. Big mistake! Among everything I could ask for I chose rice. You will find out why...

When we were near Kathmandu I became breathless for a moment. We weren't even descending yet but the wings could almost touch the mountain tops. We were on the roof of the world afterall. I was looking at 1o of the highest 15 mountains in the world. The breathtaking view took away all the flight fear I ever had...

When I got off the plane I was anxious somehow. I had no idea if anybody was picking me up really. Yes we emailed eachother but I had no idea of this organisaiton and it could even be a prank or something worse could happen. Well I thought life... Visa, passport, luggage, money exchange and I was out of the door. I saw 3 people waiting for me with cardboard wiht my name on it. This is the first time I had my name on a cardboard like this! We met, Shreeram the managing director of the organization, Bhim who was responsibile for the education and the hotel resepsionist where we would stay. We went to Kathmandu city center Thamel, to the Mt. Annapurna Guest House. Kathmandu is a small city but very crowded and crazy. Very small streets full of ricksaws (bikes with drivers), pedestrians, motorcycles, cars, taxis (all suzuki marutti), trafic is on the other side for me and they keep honking the horns constantly and no one cares for the others in traffic.... Streets are filthy full of garbage, the air is dirty and it is very noisy yet there is a kind of peace and careless energy among this craziness. Maybe it is because you know you are in Kathmandu, on the top of the world, on the hippi trail, among temples, insence smells, buffolaoes and gods....
13th May 2008

Found myself in Nepal one day!

Life prepares us surprises everyday. Some days we notice them, some days we pass them and life itself... Some days are better than others.. This is why.

Some people believe that everything happens for a reason, some believe that it's faith, psychiatrists believe it's subconsiousness... I believe we decide every morning when we wake up. Everyday should be lived on that day. No past no future...

One morning I woke up and wanted to live life fully. Just like it comes. It took me to Nepal, to find myself. It came to me as a surprise I was already there. Waiting for me.

No I don't have a personality split disorder. I just tend to let myself go. So I let myself go that day all the way to Nepal. Some times you have to let go, let life take you where it wants without concerning about it. Get angry at someone and just leave, open your eyes in a country you don't know anything about. It is not as hard as it seems, all you need is a ticket. All the places really worth going are not that popular so you don't have to pay a fortune for the ticket. Just make sure the journey is what matters not the estimated place of arrival.

One day a friend of mine was telling me about the full eclipse in 2009, which was going to be seen very good in Nepal. Next thing I know I was googling Nepal, Volunteer work. A few weeks later I was being picked up by the organization members at Kathmandu Tribuvan airport. During those weeks I had my vaccinations done, got my ticket and everything I needed. 12 May 2008 at exactly 19.00 I was on the road again... Well turn the page then...

Ofcourse it is not this simple. There is a past to it. Hundreds of years actually. It is in my gens. I have decendents who left their countries and homes to move to places they didn't know. I have a family in which every generation was born in different countries. I have blood which is not stoppable. I have a grandfather who went to Norway for the second world war, got imprisoned by the Germans, found out every imprisoned soldier was being exiled to Sibiria when they came back, and decided to stay in Germany then moved to Malatya then back to Germany, instead of going back to Azerbeijan. I have another grandfather who was sent all the way to Istanbul from Sivas so he would be far away from the murderers of his father and a blood fuse could be prevented. I have a grandmother whose mother was exiled to Sibiria for being from the royal blood and run away from there on horse carriage with 3 children to Chekoslovakia and had to run away to Germany when komunizm followed her, who lived in Chekoslovakia and then moved to Germany and later to Turkiye and back to Germany with her husband. I have another grandmother whose family moved all the way from Yugoslavia to Istanbul so later she met my grandfather and moved to Karabuk... I have a mother who was born in Malatya, married in Munich, divorced in Antalya and never lived anywhere more than 17 years, I have a father who was born in Karabuk, married in Munich divorced in Antalya (obviously) who lives in Karabuk now... I have relatives in Germany, United States, France, Russia, Azerbeijan, Turkey. So I always want to go live somewhere else then where ever I am. I wish it was possible to live everywhere...

Quantum physics says it is, but that is another story...

We should do what we feel like. If there is a place you want to go, go now... If there is something you want to do, do now.... If there is someone you want to love, love now... Don't be scared to leave your heart somewhere or at someone... It doesn't get smaller, it only gets bigger...

I left my heart in Nepal, with the women and the children I taught. I came back and I grew. Now I have a even bigger heart, ready to go again, ready to love again...

Well one day I went to Nepal... That's how it all started..
At the door steps of a villiage house in Nepal, Chitwan, Pathiani, Patalahara.
The house in the photograph to be more precise.