Kathmandu days
passed almost like a dream, every dream, every story had an end, and it is not
a good ending every time.
Those 4
days in a city we didn’t know, weren’t used to the smell yet we felt like we
belonged there. For someone who felt
like a stranger in her own life this was very hard. I was asking where I was,
who I was, what I was doing when I was back home, it was harder to feel welcome
in a totally strange country, strange city.
I had never
called anywhere home. Because I always
found something that didn’t belong to me or the idea to go always hunted
me. I left the house I was born at the
age of 7 before even I could understand the idea of home. All the next houses were temporary, and I am
still constantly moving around. But on a
far away sea shore or among the mountains, or under a big tree or on a side off
a deep cliff or in a new restaurant I have felt home. I tend to feel odd things in odd places. I am not afraid of the heights but I cannot
stand somewhere too high because I have the feeling I might not be able to stop
myself from jumping.
I will not
tell every single place we went to in Kathmandu, go do it yourself. I will rather tell you a very complicated,
weird dream.
2 sisters
and a couple from Spain, a Cuban dance instructor, an Indian computer engineer
a Chilean industrial engineer and me.
The couple went to Istanbul once and asked me the recipe of stuffed
mussels so I told them. The Cuban dancer
asked us to join his dance class to check out and that there is this one and
only place here that is open after midnight.
We went to
a salsa class, watched the upper side of Nepal dancing salsa, where people on
the streets die uf hunger. We went to
the Reggie bar had mojitos, which were the best we ever had. After some mojitos I was dancing bare foot to
“Sweet home Alabama” and people were calling each other with the names of their
countries. So I was the Turkish girl, the French guy was drunk, the Cuban guy
was dancing and I felt home somehow. I
wasn’t drunk, I was comfortable, I didn’t have a care in the world.
I sold my
500 hundred page Turkish books to a bookshop convincing them there will be
other Turkish people coming here, got one book instead, which was forbidden to
be published in Turkey. Having a croissant in the café on top of Kathmandu,
buying wet wipes from the store, talking with strangers everywhere, talking to
my husband on the phone and hearing him say the house is waiting for you, I am
waiting for you, not understanding what he was saying, sleeping in the hotel
room, getting gifts for my loved ones, I kept feeling at home. A home that wasn’t mine, wasn’t in me and far
far away from me...
It turns
out that home was in me. I was a
turtle. An old, sad, tired turtle who
carried around her house on her back. I
slowly walked to the airport. Say goobye
to friends, for the hundredth time maybe,
left my home for the tenth time maybe, left my for I don’t know how often...
A long hard
trip, my sinuses were stinging like needle when I tried so hard not to cry,
boarding passes, luggage, enters, exits,
security checks, an absolute mango from the freeshop later, the piece of my
heart that I had to keep insists on beating...
My home is
on my back, it will be there, always.
I see a
stranger, not knowing what he wants, cannot see me, walking hardly, breathing
barely... Who is this man?
The rest is
a dark night mare, one you know is dark but you cannot remember for sure, one
that tears you from the inside.
Standing in
the middle of an empty , ugly room that used to be my living room for the last
8 years, my head is spinning, a little vodka a little jack, a song is playing;
If my heart
is still beating
I will not
stop, I will not rest
If my head
is spinning, let is spin
If
something is leaving
I will not
stay...
So I won’t
stay...
This is
life, if you are still in it you have to keep moving, put the pain, betrayal,
damage, injustice behind you and move on...
A new story
starts where the old one ends.
I have not
written my best story yet…
This is
where it all ends and where it all starts.
This is
point zero.
Goodbye
Hello...
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